Townshipvibes

Hello ma Zimbabwe amahle!

“Chekudya chese tanga warayira…..” Still remember this song by Biggie Tembo? Don’t just refuse food, you never know what you maybe missing….hauzive chakakodza Nguruve. Nyaya dzema funeral dzakaoma hamawe-e….it’s a sad time, but nyaya yekudyisa vanhu sadza ne cabbage risina mafuta inoita here hamadzangu?

Well, Sinyoro went to the funeral and probably like many other people, he expected sadza ne cabbage risisna mafuta as usual. When varoora came around ne dishi kuti vageze mawoko…Sinyoro as you may have guessed vakati vakaguta nekuti vayisada cabbage.

But this was a funeral with a difference, food yakanga yakakwidibirwa. Sinyoro could not believe his eyes pakavhurwa poto……panhomo pakanga pakabikwa Zimbabwean goulash. Muchiri kuyiziva here yekarehwa na Mukadota?

Takazongonzwa Sinyoro voti…..”aBambo tipasileni dhishi tiyite zamulawu kuphela”

Haikona kungojaira kuramba chikafu….unozo nyara kukumbira dhishi.

Have a nice day.

A Xhosa guy drove into Jozi and stopped at a rough nightclub. When he
came out his car was gone. He rushed back into the bar, pulled out a gun
and fired a shot into the ceiling.

“Who stole my car?” he yelled.

No one answered.” I’m gonna have another beer and if my wheels aren’t back outside by the time I finished, I’m gonna be forced to do what I did back on the Cape Flats!”

The guy had another beer and his car mysteriously returned.

The bartender followed him out of the bar and said,” Say what happened
on the Cape Flats?”

The guy smiled and said, “Hei my broe, I had to walk home”.

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Can you tell what the value of this cheque is?????

If you can tell the value of this bank cheque and if you are OK dealing with Quads, Quintillions and Sextillions…..then you can survive in Zimbabwe today.

This must be a world record….where else in the world do they have such bank cheques???

Mugabe is killing us softly……

Thanks to the unknown author of the cartoon…..and also to the reader of www.townshipvibes.com for sharing this with others.

Feel free to add your views or contributions by posting your comments.

The ‘Love Story’ story was emailed to me by one of my friends.

This is hilarious! Enjoy! Be sure to grab a tissue, I think you’ll be laughing so hard you’ll cry!
This is the story – One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work.

Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the aroma of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home, I made sure that I released ALL the gas. Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: “Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight!” He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.

He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage!!! keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused:

“Happy Birthday!” I fainted!!!!!!!!!!

Too bad…..that’s why I don’t like surprises!

The joke voted the best Irish loke for 2007! Funny!

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, ‘Here’s to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife! ‘That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, ‘I won the prize for the Best toast of the night’ She said, ‘Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?’

John said, ‘Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.’ ‘Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!’ Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, ‘John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.’ She said, ‘Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.’

Dear Lord

Thank you for opening my eyes to realize that there are beautiful women out there. You know God, when I met Grace, I thought she was meant for me but I’ve come to realize that water and oil do not mix. It is true that I like to look at other women but I only do that to appreciate the beauty of nature’s creation. But sometimes I just can’t resist these women. After all I have my weakness.

Grace calls me ‘Baba va Panashe’, I often feel like a pensioner. Other women call me Darling, Sweetie, Dear, then I feel young, energetic and moja. She likes complaining and nagging and she is always too tired to go out with me.

Every weekend she goes to attend so and so’s funeral and go straight to society or prayers. Women outside are wild, grooving and can do a thorough job when it comes to Huuuuuuuu.

Another problem with Grace, dear lord is she is good at spending my hard earned money. When we talk about budget she is referring to my salary. Her salary is her secret and its confidential. She has appointed herself my minister of finance but my economy is not improving.

Her family comes first in everything. When I bought my mother a jersey during this chilling winter, she complained that I know our financial problems but I keep giving people our money. When she bought her mother a pair of boots, jacket, blanket and a heater, she said that I know her mother is struggling. (Varikutambura!). I visit my parents once in a lifetime but her family needs her.

God, I met her at a party. But these days she wants to remain indoors. No friends should visit us without appointments. I must sit and watch the Bold & Beautiful, Days of of lives and later Generations/Muvhango, Studio 263.

But Lord you know I am a Catholic to the bone. Grace doesn’t understand anything. Every Sunday she drags me to this Nigerian Christian Church. I had to part with $1 million as an offering to the Pastor.

Heavenly Father you will realize that I have lost some weight. I will spare you the details. Its all rice, Corn Flakes and Chicken Licken everyday. My favourite MaBhonzo ne Guru is a thing of the past. She will never allow such nonsense in our Town house.

Oh God I yearn for my favourite Lion and also Castle Lager,Black Label and Hansa Pilserner, the only beers with surnames,these days I only drink mineral water. So God, as Mufesi, I hope you know why I always look at those ladies and wish that I could spend more and more time with them. Ndipei plan, Musanyarare Mwari.

Amen

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Article shared via email courtesy of one of townshipvibes.com regular readers.

“I emu apiring to the piporo of Zimbabwe to kamu and assist in mobirising rezosis in the fomu of eni assistenzi, be it brangetsi, water, eni fomu of food, kurodzi and eni other assistenzi you keni think of… kesh and in kind even peturu, mawuyu kana (or) matohwe,” Chinotimba said on Dead B.C. just after the devastating US Hurricane. The Dead.B.C. is reliably informed that he has so far raised nothing since the “campaign was kicked off”.

Another man’s thoughts! At one time he wanted to be an Honourable MP.

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Zimbabwe Prime Minister Morgan Tsvangirai alights from his Limo and heads toward his office. He meets Mutasa on the way….

Mutasa: Mamuka sei shefu?

Tsvangirai: Hesi Mutasa ndamuka, wamukaseivo iwe?

Mutasa: Regai ndikubatirei briefcase renyu Save, mungaremerwa

Tsvangirai: Nice of you, thanks.

Mutasa: Boss I must admit I am humbled and impressed with the way things are going. The economy is back on track and I mean literally back on track!! The problem is Mugabe had become too old to discharge his duties. I always knew you would do a splendid job but you know what we all lacked the guts to say so.

Tsvangirai: Thanks for the compliment, Mutasa. Do you mind if I ask you a question?

Mutasa: Sure no problem?

Tsvangirai: Did you honestly believe you would extract pure diesel from the Chinhoyi rock?

Mutasa: No… no, honestly no, Gushungo ndivo vangavapererwa vakanditi I should pursue the phenomenon energetically. I never never thought diesel could ooze out of a mere rock. Its unfortunate I was just playing front – I was a mere pawn in a bigger game of chase. Trust me boss I wouldn’t, not in the slightest believe such a story.

Tsvangirai: Why do I find that hard to believe? Remember you admitted that such beliefs were consistent with beliefs held during the liberation war where Svikiros would be leading the masses.

Mutasa: That was damage minimization boss, nothing more nothing less.

Mutasa hands over the briefcase to Tsvangirai at which point Matonga appears and hands out a copy of the herald to the Prime Minister. Headline: IMF pours US$10Bn by Ceaser Zvayi.

Matonga: Morning Boss

Tsvangirai: Ah Bright morning to you too. Looks like we have good news here?

Matonga: Absolutely Boss, there is not even an iota of doubt that your policies are coming to bear fruits, look US$10bn for development!

Tsvangy: We thank God and hope he continues to bless this land. And Bright by the way where is Mdhara?

Matonga:Umm Mdhara he called in sick.

Tsvangirai: Really? I hope he is all right, I will drop by in the afternoon to see him. And Bright, before I forget please tell Arthur, Welshman and John Nkomo to come to my office right away there is urgent business to attend to.

Matonga: Yes boss consider done. But boss if I tell you I would like to join MDC what would be your reaction?

Tsvangirai: Look Bright we are not talking party politics here, but of course you can have a chat with Nelson. He is the best man to talk to. But anyway, out of curiosity what about ZANU?

Bright: Oh boss spare me that – who doesn’t know that this party is a sinking titanic?

Tsvangirai: With all due respect Bright, I think this is the right time to revive the party, inject vigor and revamp the party. I have never hid my admiration of ZANU PF when it comes to its exploits and role during the liberation war that brought independence to this land that we are all proud of this day. Yes they erred along the way but guess what their existence is good for our democracy. We need checks and balances if we are to stay on course. So my challenge to you is simply: revamp the party image, don’t desert it! I said the same words to Welshman and Job Sikhala the other day when they offered to rejoin the party.

Bright: Will give it a second thought boss but MDC is irresistible. Why should I expend my energy on revamping a party when I can simply join an already revamped one?

Tsvangirai: Well ultimately Bright the decision is entirely yours but hey… food for thought. And now if you can call those boys pliz.

Bright: Sure, thanks boss!

Bright dashes off and Chinoz and Chihuri could be seen saluting in the corridors.

Well, guys, I received this email and thought I could just share it with you. After the signing of the power sharing agreement and the subsequent appointment of Morgan Tsvangirai as Prime Minister, this has put some people in a tight corner. For the interest of the country – they just have to work together.

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Have your say.

Well, first let me say congratulations to our new Zimbabwe Prime Minister, Morgan Tsvangirai. He deserves his chance to lead the country – he went through a lot of trouble and humiliation from Mugabe and his Zanu PF colleagues.

“Hanzi zviroto zviroto” …..they thought Morgan was dreaming. “We will never salute Tsvangirai” they swore…..nothing is certain in this world. They were making fun of the Prime Minister elect. Who is the ‘cry baby’ now?

How sometimes you wish the ground could swallow you….must be embarrassing times for some I guess.

It’s time to rebuild Zimbabwe, it may take time but it can be done.

Feel free to share your views.

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